A Brief History of Music

As this ‘zine is all about music, we thought we’d give you an overview of where it all came from.

Music was made up in AD35 by the Emperor Claudius. Claudius stumbled upon music while jerkin’ his gherkin upon the sandy beaches of Laconia. As he pleasured his purple dome he began to wonder how he could recreate the beautiful sounds of the waves and birds in his palace. He employed three engineers to fashion instruments for this purpose. The engineers became musicians and pretty soon they had dumped their shit onto Cubase and mashed up the resulting Wavs in Fruity Loops. Claudius termed these new sounds “Reggae”.

With the decline of hard disk technology in the late second century AD Claudius’ work was lost and it is only known today through fragments of Jpegs off of ebay.



It was to be another 1,940 years before music was rediscovered by David Bowie in L.A. Bowie was taking time off from inventing the internet when he stumbled upon music in a club in South Central. The centuries had not been kind to the beast but Bowie soon whipped it into shape with a rigorous fitness regime and some crack cocaine. Of course, once set free by Bowie music was able to conquer the world and diversify into the many different soundforms we know today, such as Rock and Pop.

Now, feel suitably prepared as you peruse the allowed pages of Gnome, the REAL music ‘zine for REAL music (not shit).