Wednesday, 19 December 2007


Did the Fall give up when no one gave a shit? No. No they fucking didn't.

Quipped in full 'sarcaustic' mode...

Spun over to The KrakHaus in Chelsea for Javier Torqemada’s book launch last eve. Got ditzy on free chino blowers and lager top. Torquay, as I tagged him, was adamant that his book (Easy Totem: California Princesses 1989 – 2006) was shot thru with his most cred photos. I told him photos were old OLD and everyone was going Terry Nutkins over videos these days. “They move and everything,” I quipped in full sarcaustic mode. Will Gnome give good review? Decided? Not.
Anyway, ran into Susan Blacksheath from Thee Demi-Heads on XL Recordings. Was begging for a review of her Santa Tapes LP. I directed her to Christian Ziege who was sipping soda nearby. Told her he was my reviews editor. Proof she knows NOTHING about football? You need it? Spouted for literally mins to Deutsche no.3 about genre splice. Jeez.



Here's this week's crumbs... Jesus...

Radiohead: Thinking EP (Self released, probably)
Radiohead return to the guitar, bass & drums format with this experimental EP. Each member is recorded “thinking about their instrument”. This means that the first few tracks are field recordings of men coughing, sighing and drinking tea. Like a portal into a gentle staff room. When we get to Yorke’s “think piece” we hear a beautiful glitch-electronica track, a sublime imprint from his conscious art-mind, transmuted onto DAT tape by a cutting edge, eco-friendly, hyper-tech breakthrough (actually it’s an Autechre B-side you prick, he’ll never get away with it - Archer).

The Mark Twain: Catastro (Silly Recordings)
Featuring ex-members of Chisel Bitch and Iraqi Super-Fun, The Mark Twain is a dark, brooding beast. The acerbic guitars and New York drums are so typical of the current crop of “Night Vision” acts from across the water that one wonders if it is a KARATECHOP!KARATECHOP! release spinning on the table. Nevertheless “Hey! Days of the Monkey Men” on the flip is enough anarcho-math schism to keep Butcher Buoy fans happy for a while at least (
I don’t know what any of this means – Archer).

Geremi Balm: The Sex Twins (Bakerloo)
More lipstick socialism from Ray Liotta’s brother Lucio on Ninja Tune. Lead track “The Sex Twins” thuds to a hearty trance beat while Lucio intones the chemical components of various biological weapons. What sounds like an argument in a kebab shop is looped in the left speaker before guest drummer Umberto Eco throws a free-fill a la Rashied Ali to bring the whole thing to a head.
Since leaving Snow Patrol Lucio has found solace in the radical empiricism of Geremi Balm stating that “Geremi Balm is the only thing outside my own mind that I can verify as existing”. On this evidence he might be right. Blue vinyl and 1” lathe-cut CD.

Gulliver Unravelled: Subtle Requiem for the Midnight Jester (EMI/ Parlaphone)
After “Requiem” appeared on a certain mobile phone advert last year pressure was put on EMI to re-release Gulliver’s truly horrid back-catalogue. The fact that this sub-Genesis toss is being hailed as the re-discovery of the decade gives lie to the fact that we are all deep in the marketing man’s arse. Don’t buy this.

Sorry about all that,

Monday, 10 December 2007


Credit: No Joy (Fatcrack Recordings, 2007)

Raised by wolves at the foot of Mount Olympus, Brit-rapper Credit has certainly paid his dues. For the last 35 years Credit has been pushing back the boundaries of UK hip-hop to little acclaim. No Joy finds him in despondent mood stating on Wolf Boy “No-one human ever looked out for me, even when I was a little baby”.

Enlisting the help of producer Trevor Horn may have given No Joy underground respectability but its gritty sound does little to lift the bleak mood. Ultimately, as Credit raps on Minger: “My mother always wanted me to be a singer, I didn’t think I’d be broke, fat and married to a minger”. Harsh words from a harsh life. (Stewart)

Friday, 7 December 2007

Peace of piss

After being thrown out of England for instigating riots and whatnot Charlie Peace has become a spokesman for disaffected youth in Detroit. While UK music fans may know him for his pioneering, pre-exile “electro-hop” work, he is now firmly ensconced within the Detroit sound art scene. Our correspondent Chris Carmichael met up with Charlie in Lisbon.
Gnome: I see you’re sporting a new tattoo Charlie, what’s the inspiration behind that?
CP: Well, it’s the USB logo. I primarily chose that because it represents the yin and yang of contemporary IT culture. We can interface with machines but in the end we are just a component part of a larger system. My wife has the same tattoo on both of her tits.

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

Some words with Jordan Cruise...

Our landlord was a Mexican homo who spoke Old World Spanish with a lisp. I swear he smoked fifty a day and Charles said he once caught him masturbating loudly in the downstairs John. I called him Ruby after the ring he wore on his wedding finger. So begins Jackhammer Jumpsuit and Other Stories by Jordan Cruise. A novel which has already inspired one critic to dub the 27 year old former athlete “a Kerouac for Generation Jpeg”. I met up with Jordan after he had just won his second medal…

Gnome: Jordan you’ve just been awarded the Studious Ballentine Medal for the greatest fiction paragraph of 2007...

Jordan: Yeah, that really psyched me out. I got all dizzy on champagne and offended the committee. But fuck, that’s my shit.

Gnome: So it is. But it’s not the first medal you’ve won is it?
Jordan: In a previous not-so-hip life I got thrown a Bronze at the corporate spazz fest they call the Olympics.

Gnome: What sport?
Jordan: Modern pentathlon.

East of Jonathan

Archer Sanderson: entrepreneur, aesthete, hermeticist. Is there more? Frankly, yes. Welcome to Station Sanderson, main hub. Access granted.

I’m flipping these keys on the carbon glider back to the big smoke from Delaware. 2 am. Two days of spinning trax with Cheeky Fortuna and the Goose Boys at Cradle Beach. Little Jonny Cadbury skipping in with warm Chow Mein and blister pax. High times with the rowdy boys.

New issue of Gnome being primed with trigger groups and tuff writing, I’ve got a three page on Slick Tam and The Parts, all faux-harp and synth brass. Kids’ll puke.

More to come... (this is just touchdown). Keep this blog wireless. Don’t tell your friends. They suck.

A Brief History of Music

As this ‘zine is all about music, we thought we’d give you an overview of where it all came from.

Music was made up in AD35 by the Emperor Claudius. Claudius stumbled upon music while jerkin’ his gherkin upon the sandy beaches of Laconia. As he pleasured his purple dome he began to wonder how he could recreate the beautiful sounds of the waves and birds in his palace. He employed three engineers to fashion instruments for this purpose. The engineers became musicians and pretty soon they had dumped their shit onto Cubase and mashed up the resulting Wavs in Fruity Loops. Claudius termed these new sounds “Reggae”.

With the decline of hard disk technology in the late second century AD Claudius’ work was lost and it is only known today through fragments of Jpegs off of ebay.

It was to be another 1,940 years before music was rediscovered by David Bowie in L.A. Bowie was taking time off from inventing the internet when he stumbled upon music in a club in South Central. The centuries had not been kind to the beast but Bowie soon whipped it into shape with a rigorous fitness regime and some crack cocaine. Of course, once set free by Bowie music was able to conquer the world and diversify into the many different soundforms we know today, such as Rock and Pop.

Now, feel suitably prepared as you peruse the allowed pages of Gnome, the REAL music ‘zine for REAL music (not shit).